Dealing With Douchebags 101

[Dangerous K]

Ahem.

The scene opens and we are treated to a finely furnished, lacquered podium. The logo emblazoned on it is an FCW logo, with a neon green spray-painted D-X logo over top. We pan up to see the smiling Triple H, flashing his shit-eating grin and wearing an D-Generation X t-shirt. He looks happy, even with a twinkle in his eye.

TRIPLE H: “Good evening, my name is Hunter Hearst Helmsley. You may remember me from such classic FCW matches as ‘The utter ownage of John Cena’ and ‘Jimmy Gimmick gets his push clipped’… but that’s not all. You may also remember me from the epic FCW main event known as ‘Alexander Parise does the J.O.B.’. “

Triple H flashes another cheesy smile.

TRIPLE H: “Now, I want to talk to you tonight about the dangers that are facing our youth today. Those dangers include many things from drugs to gang violence and, well, late night programming on the CW. But that’s not what we’re here to talk to you about tonight, oh no. You see, there is an even greater, even bigger danger facing the youth of America… and that is… Shawn, if you’d please.”

The camera pans back to reveal Shawn Michaels, also wearing a D-Generation X shirt and flashing a shit-eating, pearly white smile. He is wearing thick, black spectacles and a lab-coat, trying his best to look like he knows what the hell he’s talking about.

SHAWN MICHAELS: “Wassat?”

TRIPLE H: “The diagram, would you kindly.”

Shawn nods emphatically and reaches into his lab-coat, withdrawing a lengthy piece of yard stick. He then turns away from the camera to the black-board behind him, and tilts it to face the other way. On it, a diagram is shown.



TRIPLE H: “As you can see, this great pandemic that is sweeping the nation and is responsible for not only the Swine Flu, Bubonic Plague, and even Lindsay Lohan… it is also responsible for World War II, Adolf Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and yes, ladies and gentlemen… even Amy Winehouse.”

HBK and The Game let out a collective shudder.

TRIPLE H: “Today we are going to explain this simple, mathematical formula. That formula is that Dick head, plus asshole, equals super ass clown.

Now, you may be wondering why it is that such an esteemed physicist like Mr. Michaels and myself are presenting these facts to you. It’s quite simple, really. You see, Jimmy Gimmick and Alex Parise have taken it upon themselves to team up. I know, it’s a scary thought—but it has happened… and this is why we at D-Generation X are emploring you, the viewer at home, to take notice of the signs that you or a loved one may in fact be… a Super Ass-Clown.”

Ahem.

TRIPLE H: “It is natural for the dickhead within its natural habitat to assume control of a situation. That is, they are not really in control, but think they are. They also believe that they are the God’s Gift to whatever career or profession they currently work in. They believe that, just by the mere fact that they show their faces, it means that they have accomplished more than the seasoned veterans around them. This naturally leads to frustration and even resentment of the Dickhead. As you can see, Alexander Parise fits the description quite nicely. He debuted for FCW under the guise of a pupil to the Asshole Jimmy Gimmick, and proceeded to try and tell The Game how washed up and beaten down he is… this is not the truth, as you can imagine.

The major problem with the Dickhead, is that they quite often paint themselves into a corner, often being forced to man up and meet the challenge they have set for themselves. As you can probably imagine, the Dickhead quite often fails at this… and as you can see from the results of last week’s Anarchy show, Alexander Parise… failed. He said he was going to destroy The Game, humiliate the King of Kings, and yet here I stand before you not only alive and kickin’ and in perfect health, but I also stand along side a friend of mine, the incomparable Heartbreak Kid. So recognize these easy to digest symptoms, and prevent you or a loved one… from sharing the same fate as Alexander Parise.

• You believe you are a great looking, young man
  
  
• You believe that because you’ve entered the halls of your work place, everyone should respect you, despite the fact that the geriatric cripple with no hands and no feet beat you to the door.
  
  
• You believe that because you’re good friends with a washed-up nobody who never made it in this business, you’re somehow going to dominate the most electrifying and charismatic individual on the roster… namely, me.
  
  
• For some strange reason, you also think you’ve got a bigger swingin’ dick than Triple H. This is not true, as the only man who has a bigger swingin’ dick than Triple H is… Chyna.”

[/color]

Triple H frowns at the camera, his face growing concerned.

TRIPLE H: “So please, remember these four, easily recognizable symptoms, and if you or a loved one are displaying these symptoms, seek help from either the neighbourhood bad ass or Shawn and myself, we assure you that when you awaken from the beating you receive, you’ll feel better for it… and you WON’T have to run away crying from FCW because you got beat by the very best.”

TRIPLE H flashes another winning smile ©, and turns to his partner in crime.

TRIPLE H: “And now, a few words from our crack scientist, Shawn Michaels!”

Triple H exits the podium quietly, and as Shawn passes him, he mutters something.

TRIPLE H: “For God’s sake Shawn, try.”

[/color]

TBC: Michaels[/center]

[Blade LaVigne]

Thats funny..great roleplay

[hardy222]

Never on any fed have I seen such an excellent DX promo.That was by far awesome.I love that diagram and as I read, I just wondered how you guys made that.

[hbk]

"Thank you, Hunter. Now, I am The Heart Break Kid, The Showstopper, The Main Event, The-"

Triple H cuts Shawn off in mid sentence, taking him aside.

"Shawn, only two nicknames per promo. Ok?"

Triple H pats Shawn on the back as he turns back to the podium.

"Anyway, you might remember me from such emphatic FCW moments as 'The Rearrangement Of Jimmy Gimmick's Teeth' or, uh, well that's it, but you get the point. Now, I bet you're all saying, 'Triple H is right, but how exactly does this all work?' Well, with the assistance of that board right there, I'll show you."

Shawn beckons the camera to follow him as he walks towards the black board, which still shows Triple H's diagram. He grabs an eraser and erases all of it, before grabbing the chalk and starting a diagram of his own.

"Now, what happens is that the Dickheads are so full of themselves, they actually start generating a huge amount of a chemical particle called Dichedium."

Shawn points at a drawing on the board.

"Now this particle is so lethal because it radiates out of the Dickhead, like this."

Shawn erases his first picture and scrawls a second one up on the board.

"As you can see here, the Dichedium is shooting out of the Dickhead, spreading everywhere."

Shawn starts drawing more on the board as he continues his speech.

"Now, if these Dichedium particles interact with Asholite molecules from a Jimmy Gimmick, which I have drawn here,”

“Then BOOM!”

Shawn spins the board over, revealing another crude image, and Triple H flinches from Shawn's sudden shout.

"The resulting chemical compound creates what we in the science business call a 'Super Ass Clown,' which are capable of such douchebaggery as complete overconfidence, imaginary manhood, insulting maturity with immature comments, and attempting to make better jokes than D-Generation X, beat D-Generation X or be D-Generation X. Also, it causes body odour. So, please, let me remind you to report any dickheads, assholes, or in the rare case, super ass clowns, to your local D-Generate. This has been The Game, Triple H, and your esteemed physicist 'HBK” Shawn Michaels. And if you're not down with that, then this diagram is for you.”

Shawn spins the board aggressively, sending it into a spin as he and Triple H exit the stage area. As the spinning slows, the camera comes to rest on the blackboard.